Pictures and the doom of me

April 21, 2007 at 11:18 am (adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother, Uncategorized)

I got pictures of my daughter not even 5 minutes ago. I saw the email address in my inbox and the world around me yet again crumbled.

Instantly my stomach turned. I felt that all telling lump in my throat. My eyes betrayed me and filled with tears I tried to suppress. My chest got tight and my head started to spin.

I sat there staring at my inbox. Frozen. Unable to open the email but unable to look away. Terrified of what I knew was inside that stupid email.

I thought I could do this. I was in a better place than last time I got pictures. I had my dear friend T (love does not begin to cover how I feel about her) online with me to lean on. I am brave. I am strong. I am invincible.

So I click. I see her face. I am not brave. I am not strong. I am anything but invincible. I want to die.

All I have built up within myself since the last email comes crashing down. I feel it all again. Oh God it all is back. I can’t take this for the rest of my life!

And please don’t tell me it is only until she is 18. You can’t promise me that. She may never want a thing to do with me. And reunion doesn’t fix a damn thing. I am still not there now. She is still not here now. I have already missed so much that I will never get back. I am going to miss countless more.

The darkness surrounds me once again. My anger and rage have disappeared. They fail me yet again. All that is left is the despair.

My God she is beautiful. Perfect little eyes filled with wonder. Chubby cheeks and a perfect mouth. Her hair is curly like her dads. Other than that she looks just like me at that age. A little me but not.

She looks happy. I hope she is happy.

My heart has been ripped out again. I thought I had been as low as I could ever be. I was wrong. Seems I am always wrong. Wrong about so much. Powerless to fix any of it.

I give. Adoption wins. Its too much. Now can’t it all just go away and leave me alone? I am not strong enough for this! I said that when she was born. Forcing me to do it makes me no more capable of actually doing it! I can not do it. I can not be this. I am doomed.

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10 Comments

  1. Bear's Mommy said,

    I’m so sorry. All I can say is I’ve been there too. I know this means nothing now, but my coping skills devoeloped over time and I am much more able to handle getting letters. At least they don’t send me over the edge. I hope it will be the same for you.

    ((hugs))

  2. HeatherRainbow said,

    ((Aislin)) It is hard, the hardest in the world. It takes a strong and brave woman to look at those pictures, and a brave a strong woman to feel the emotions you feel.

    Invincible? No… no human is invinceable. Brave and strong you are.

    Sending warm (((hugs)))

  3. momseekingpeace said,

    I,m sorry, I wish she were there with you, wish I could make it easier but I know I cant.

    MSP

  4. angele said,

    (((((aislin)))))))))) i love you. you know i know just how you feel. you are in my heart and in my prayers. hang tight you.

    angele

  5. tld2cool said,

    Nothing hurts more then to see the baby you wanted with someone else. This I know to well. The pain is extreme and so is my love.

  6. Lara said,

    I was coerced in to giving my baby up for adoption on January 3, 2007. I DID NOT WANT to give my baby up. The facilitator who represented herself for me in the beginning was actually for the adopted couple. I didn’t truly realize this until it was too late. In the very last moments, I would not hand over the signed adoption papers. I told my sister that I would need some serious counseling if I was going to do it all. In my sister’s belief that this woman was my representitive allowed this woman to come see me in the chapel. I told her to her face I didnt want to see her. This did not make her leave. Instead I got reassured that it was ok. That she was just going to talk to me. Talk to me she didnt. She badgered me until I couldnt take her torment anymore. I was angry. I said awful things to this woman. She wouldnt leave. She wouldnt get out of my face. Finally I got angry. Me being stupid.. and dazed (out of it) I threw the papers at this woman. She gladly hurried and scooped the up. Ran off like a mad woman. I hate myself. Never will forgive myself. I wasnt myself that day due to drugs, lack of sleep, a headache, and was cramping from the enormous amount of potossin that they gave me the day before to stop the bleeding. The nurse kept a very close eye on me because I had such a low count of iron in my blood from hemmoraging very badly on January 2nd. I contested the adoption and lost, however, the Guardian Adlitum who was appointed to my case by the Judge agreed that I did not volunteerily or freely give my consent to the adoption. The judge did not see it that way. The biological father who never signed his rights away contested and lost. We are in the process of appealing. We know the odds against us, however, the day we stop fighting we loose. I feel for whoever wrote this. My heart is bleeding. You are strong. Anyone who has gone through this kind of thing and has lived to tell is strong. I have seen my daughter twice since the hospital incident. It is sooo hard to face the adoptive parents. My heart burns with hatred. They aren’t the nicest people. Thats an understatment, however, I have to let my daughter see me. To smell me. I cant let her forget my face. My scent. I am a stubborn woman and until these people shut the door on me, I will continue to see her. Even though it rips my heart in two. I ask if I can see my daughter every time I ask to see her. This makes them mad. They dont like to hear the words MY Daughter. Nor did they like it when I said that they are not the parents nor will they ever be. I dont know how they can even live with themselves knowing that I want my baby.

    Sincerely,
    Lara

  7. Lara said,

    Oh yes and the couple left me with all of the medical bills. I think that was very very sweet and considerate of them. Dont you?

  8. Myst1998 said,

    The dreaded pictures.

    Isn’t amazing how one email address (envelope in my case) has the effect of turning us into jello? I used to actually scream when I saw mine… it was a gut reaction and I couldn’t help it. Opening the photos, I would see her face and stay on the floor for hours. Everytime I would want to die all over again and take to my bed praying, beeging and pleading with God that I would die that night. If I killed myself I would only hurt my family more (already tried that several times) and so I just wanted God to take me in my sleep, easier.

    Those days of getting photos are so painful but you are a strong woman. Don’t you hate being strong sometimes though? Don’t you wish you could just be left alone?

    I don’t know how often you get photos or what the situation is but if you ever want to “scream” across the net, please feel free to scream into my “online ear”…

    Myst xxx

  9. Andrea said,

    I’m confused. Do first mothers want pics or do they not want them?

    • aislin13 said,

      Yes we want pictures. That doesn’t change the fact that it hurts like hell. What we want is our child. It is hard to live off the crumbs of your own childs life. Its a very complex thing and the emotions are not easy to put into words

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