Part 4

May 30, 2007 at 4:16 am (adopted, adoptee, adopting, adoption, adoption reform, birthmother, birthparents, first mother)

I think I left off on part 3. That part really did about kill me. I have no idea why I am even trying to continue this.

I only met with a person for the agency one time. We met at a Taco Bell to discuss options. I don’t remember much of that meeting. I remember the lady saying I was outgoing at one point. I couldn’t figure out why she said that. I have been painfully shy my whole life. I was crying in the middle of the damn Taco Bell so how was that considered outgoing?

I sat in my car and cried for 45minutes before I could even drive home. Once home I curled up into a little ball in the middle of my bed and did not get up until the next day. I prayed that night like I have never prayed before. I begged God to help me. I begged to be able to keep my baby. I begged for help. I begged for the strength to tell everyone to go away and keep their hands off my baby. When I could no longer form the words to beg I said Hail Mary’s until I drifted into slumber.

The next day I continued my prayers and begging. I was a complete wreck. I don’t think I left my room except when it was absolutely necessary.

Then at 11pm it happened. My water broke. I imediately went into a full panic. Its too soon.(not medically) The baby can’t come now! Its not safe. I haven’t figured anything out. Please baby don’t come now. Stay inside where it is safe. Stay with me Please!!

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4 Comments

  1. HeatherRainbow said,

    ((((Aislin))))) I remember having those same feelings… it is torture to have to relive those memories, and torture to have to have experienced it in the first place.

    I don’t understand why God has not answered our prayers. How cruel humanity is for allowing these things to happen. It is not for some divine purpose, it is because of greed and selfishness of fellow humans. It is a disgrace. It is of the evil of man.

  2. Jenny said,

    I’ve been following your story for awhile now. So horrible and sad. It’s a little hard to follow between what’s going on now and what was going on then. Are you still pregnant? Do you think that having and keeping this baby will help your past scars to heal a little?

    Sending you healing thoughts and prayers.

  3. aislin13 said,

    The posts with numbers are the only ones really in the past. Hope that makes it easier. Yes I am still pregnant. I don’t really know if having this baby will heal any scars. In some ways I don’t think anything will ever heal those. Even if my daughter was handed back to me today I don’t think everything would be healed. I would still carry the scars of these last 2 years. (well almost 2 years) Yes it would heal many things but I don’t think anything will ever make me completely whole again. The wounds are too deep. Sadly there is a huge part of me that died when this happened and that part will never be coming back. My only goal now is to heal what can be healed and find a way to live with what can’t.

  4. Theresa said,

    ((((Aislin))) I’ve just read through your archives and have ended here.

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